Too soon to choose

You know. I want to say that I have been a positive and happy person all my life. But to think about it, i was kind of negative person through out of it. I'm always arguing with my brother, yelling, screaming, hitting. Yeah, it even gets that bad sometimes. And I find myself missing my dad so. Then get sad and start crying. There are days where I'm just in a sad mood. I can't really explain but I'll try. Maybe I'm just love struck, but broken heart-ed is more like it. The feelings I have for this guy must be kept hidden, in secret. Why? Cause may be he's taken. Shame on me.

I want to tell him how I feel. How I really like him. But why bother. The chances of us being together is not likely. For many reasons. And if I did confess my feelings, maybe things between us would change, be awkward at work, or even lose a friend. It just saddens me how we'll never have a chance and won't be able to see how caring I am or how big my heart is. I plan on talking to him in person soon. But after he's already finished the mission. See how he feels about me, talk about what I've been thinking about us, and hopefully we'll both be able to handle our emotions to stay good friends and nothing will change negatively, only positively after opening our hearts. It's kind of like a love story I see in movies or read in books.

But I think it's only because my idea of love is very superficial and fairytale like. A romantic guy who is caring, helpful, adventurous, courageous, handsome, funny, fun, has a deep dark past. And we live happily ever after in a nice big house with a family etc. etc.. I just have bad taste in guys. Cause all the guys my friends have been with have proved that they are lying, deceiving, cheating and other bad actions that i can't mention them one by one.
But as of now I'm happy to be friends with him. Laughing and having a good time. Secretly knowing that we have a thing for each other, an attraction more than just friends. He keeps my mind, puts a smile on my face and cheers me up when I'm feeling blue, and keeps work interestingly fun.

Now everything is on the line. What I've ever thought about is starting to shine. Yes ! Actually I am happy to know it, but it saddens also. I am not so sure yet this's gonna be as like I wish. Oh Gosh, this matter kills me almost. Huft. I have no such guts to take the risks. May be i am too young. But this is not the end. I promise you. I will not ask you to do what I want. If you must be the one, then it'd be even it's without my wills. I want you to know. I am still hoping, you will be the one.